Purpose

This week has been a wild one thus far in the clinic. I am slowly becoming more and more comfortable seeing patients on my own. I tell myself to trust my instincts but also to ask questions and consult with the pharmacy. I even made a few physical therapy referrals. As a practitioner, I have a constant struggle between exerting my confidence in my abilities and utilizing my resources. There is a line between the two sides that results in a well balanced clinical presence. I find I am still working on finding that line. Often I tell myself to be confident in my medical abilities and to write the prescription for the diagnose I came up with. After all, it is my job to assess these things and being efficient in my practice is a skill I need to have. But sometimes I am wrong and sometimes there is a better drug for the patient than the one I thought etc. I think to myself “I should have asked the Dr. to double check” or “I should have consulted with pharmacy before I went ahead.” Resources are wonderful and I am quick to utilize them but building confidence in my abilities is a task I work on every day as well. Hopefully I find the balance. On Tuesday, I headed out to mobile clinic. After an hour into our bumpy trip, we reached a completely flooded road. It had rained hard last night (to the point that I had woken up from the sound of the drops assaulting the tin roof). The road was uncrossable. Actual waves were roaring over the once wooden bridge. There was no other path to take and we had to abandon our mission. As we traveled back to assist in our home clinic, I felt sad for the people of the village we were to see. Their closest clinic was 2 hours away and very difficult for them to reach. Most of the patients relied on Hillside every month. I prayed none of them currently had a life threatening condition and could wait one more month to receive care. Back in clinic, it was wild as ever. The two medical students were drowning in patients and accepted our unexpected help gratefully. A patient started to seize in one room and the staff gathered to prevent her from hitting her head on the tile floor. Another patient had a serious genital infection while another had extreme vertigo that needed a complicated treatment. Together we managed to see all the patients and take care of them efficiently. I couldn’t help but think that our abandoned journey to the village was meant to be. Today I sit in clinic writing this post. I saw 5 patients today before the rain began and they stopped showing up. I’m enjoying the sound of nature roar throughout our small patient rooms. Dr. Oss sat with me for awhile and told me about his journeys to Ethiopia, Cuba, Uganda, etc. I told him about my sudden change from Africa to here for my rotation and how my heart still desires to someday visit the rural communities of Africa. I told him about my worries that life will begin suddenly and quickly once I graduate. I need to have a family and a steady job etc. I wasn’t sure how this part of myself will fit into my future life. He told me that the search to find my purpose is a life long process and if my desires are to help the people of the world than that is what I should put my energy into. Everything else will fall into place around it. Speaking with Dr. Oss filled my soul with hope and desire. He understood my never ceasing strive to see the world through medical eyes and to help the ones who need it the most. I was privileged to be born in the United States. I want to use that privilege to get an education to ultimately help those who were not born into the life I was. Who did not have the opportunity to have the education or resources that I did. Talking about this type of work sparks a fire in me that I cannot put out. It is a drive and a passion deep within my being. But I also want a family and a stable life... I’m not sure of my purpose, and maybe I never will be, but I am sure of my passions. We all know what ignites us inside and what brings color to our world. That is where our energy belongs. “Go and live in the culture and make friends with the people,” Dr. Oss told me, “write a book! Or teach future PA’s. It doesn’t matter as long as you are trying. Only then will you find your purpose.”